HELPING YOUR CHILD TO GRIEVE

The death of a close person can be a very traumatic experience for us. Children must deal with the loss of significant others more often than most adults realize.

Each loss results in the child going through the same process of grief resolution, though the length and intensity may vary. Loss is viewed as a cumulative process, in which, without complete resolution of a minor loss, subsequent less significant losses are likely to provoke similar stress.

The loss is a very individual experience as we all hold our own special, irreplaceable relationship with those who have passed away. Grief, being an emotional response, is a complex combination of painful emotions such as anger, sadness and helplessness. An important part of coming to terms with the loss of someone close is being able to adapt to life afterwards and share this experience with our closest ones.

An essential part of this process is sharing memories and talking about the loved one although it may be very painful. This can be especially difficult when a spouse dies leaving one parent behind with young children. There is a danger that the parent, in their own mourning, neglects the children's need to be included - being able to show and share their feeling of loss. It is a time when families must be united and work together through the grief however painful it may be. Children as individuals vary in the way they cope with the loss but their age also has a marked effect on their behaviours and coping strategies.

For the infant under six months the concepts of grief and a full understanding of the realities behind the loss of the mother or father is difficult to comprehend. The infant often shows distress at the loss of a parent. In most cases this will be most pronounced with the loss of the mother. What would appear to affect the infant most are the reactions of others around him/her. The continuity and quality of the infant's care from the family is paramount in the infant's adapting to life without a parent.

Older infants, up to about 2 years old, are not able to understand the permanence of loss but respond to the absence. In fact, children of this age will often ask for the missing parent. In cases when the infant has been present at their parent's death, they may be frightened but may not understand the parent has died. The child may simply become angry that the parent is no longer there and becomes disinterested in play and food. Other common responses are clinging to caregivers and refusal to let them out of sight. It is crucial for infants of this age to receive constant care at the time of readjustment in order to ensure a degree of continuity in their life.

Young children between the age of 3 and 5 are more able to verbalize their feelings and will often ask questions concerning the absence of their parent. They may also request for their parent's return and become angry because it cannot be fulfilled. Furthermore, the child may also cling to their favourite old soft toys and blankets for security or alternatively, in some cases, demonstrate more 'naughty' behaviour. The child may also show their fears and feeling through non-verbal behaviour - drawings and play. We should react to this behaviour by talking to the child and to continue to give the child loving attention and care.

After the age of five children are starting to understand issues about death and suspect its possibility when not told. Although they may not fully understand its implications they do start to build an understanding of its reality. However, children may initially ignore the news of a parent's death, which may manifest itself in various ways. This can in some cases lead to the family not accepting that the child is grieving. However, within a trusting relationship, given an opportunity, the child will feel safe to talk about their feelings and distress which will allow for the mourning process to begin. Often children of this vulnerable age may feel guilt over their parent's death and it is important to reassure the young child they have done nothing wrong.

Although all children go through similar developmental stages in their understanding of death, each child is individual in their behaviour depending on personal circumstances. We must ensure that the child receives both quality and continuity of care after their loss. This will help both the child and their close family to accept and adjust to the radical and tragic change that has occurred in their life.

What Can I Do as a Parent/Supporting Adult? 

As a surviving parent/carer there are several things which can be done to support the grieving child.

1. Explain the death in a clear and direct manner. If the remaining parent cannot do this, then the child should be informed by another adult who is close to the child.

2. The child should be told the dead person will never return and that the body will be buried in the ground or burned to ashes.

3. The remaining parent should not deny the child an opportunity to share in the expression of pain.

4. Adults should avoid using their children as confidants for their own comfort and understanding.

5. The single most important message to relay to the child is, "You are not alone; I am with you."

6. Touching and holding a child can do more than any words to relay a parent's message.

7. Children should be allowed to attend the funeral, if it is their wish.

8. Prior to the funeral someone should explain to children what is likely to take place, who will be there, and how people are likely to react.

9. The choice of whether to view or touch the deceased should be left up to the child.

10. It is important to establish continuity in the daily routines of children.

11. Changing to a new school or moving to a new neighborhood should be postponed.

12. If it is determined that a child is experiencing pathological grief, rather than normal grief reactions, counseling may be necessary in order to help facilitate the grieving process.

Development 

The child's level of cognitive development plays a primary role in the extent to which a child will understand the loss of a parent or loved one. Specific reactions as well as their duration are different for adults and children. A child's need to ask the same questions about the death over and over is more of a need for reassurance that the story has not changed rather than a need for factual accuracy. Children also seek adult reactions so they can gauge their own reactions. Emotions may be expressed as angry outbursts or misbehaviors that are often not recognized as grief-related.

Developmental Phases of Grief Resolution 

These phases are the same for children and adults; they are not discrete phases and some overlap may occur; and the length and intensity of each phase is dictated by the seriousness of the loss.

Phase One: Characterized by shock and numbing followed by a reaction of alarm. The alarm is centered around questions of who is going to care for the child. Denial and disbelief may also be exhibited during this initial stage.

Phase Two: This time of acute grief is characterized by yearning, searching, disorganization, despair, and ultimately reorganization. This phase is also characterized by strong feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and shame. Once the stage of intense feelings starts, it can take 6-12 weeks for the worst pain to subside and as much as two years before the grief process is completed.

Phase Three: This phase involves the integration of loss and grief where the child begins to reorganize daily activities. Less frequent and less intense crying is seen. The child is also able to verbalize an awareness of the loss.

* From Handouts (1990), edited by Alex Thomas. A publication of the National Association of School Psychologists.