WHEN SOMEONE DIES (BEREAVEMENT)

The loss or death of someone they care for is likely to be deeply distressing for a child. Loss can come about as a result of an illness, such as cancer or HIV/Aids; an accident, such as a car crash; or old age. Children can also face the loss of a loved animal or pet. This can be as significant as losing a relative or friend.

Bereavement is the word used to describe the loss that people feel when someone close to them dies.

Grief is the emotion that people go through as a result of the loss of someone they loved.

The way people react to death depends on:

• the age of the bereaved person (young children do not have as clear an understanding as older children)

• their relationship with the person who has died.

Losing someone we love is a very stressful event and is a normal and natural reaction to feel the loss emotionally. Each individual's reaction will be different and it is impossible to predict how someone will respond. There are, however, certain reactions that are common to children as well as adults.

Denial
Some people find it difficult to accept that the person has died. This can take a number of forms, including constantly talking about him or her as if they were still alive. 

Guilt
Some people feel guilty, perhaps for still being alive or for feeling in some way responsible for the death. Remember it is NOT your fault they he/she "went away"

Anger
Some people feel angry towards the dead person for dying or for leaving them alone; with others who were close to that person, such as a surviving parent; or at others who have not suffered a loss.

Fear
Some people may have a fear of death, either their own or someone else close to them. This fear can often lead to strong attachments being formed to a close friend or surviving parent. It can also lead to practical fears such as who is going to look after them.

Physical complaints
These include loss or increase in appetite, nightmares, feeling tired, stomach aches or headaches.

Understanding the concept of death depends on the age of the child.

Very young children (under 5 years) tend to think of death as something that is temporary and that the person (or pet) that has died will eventually return. Their response may include feelings of being left behind, fear and insecurity.

Slightly older children (around 5-8 years) have a greater understanding of death, recognising that it is irreversible. However they can find it difficult to understand their emotional reaction to it, such as feelings of guilt or fear.

Children aged around 8 years and older have a more realistic understanding about death and the implications of permanent separation. They tend to react with similar emotions to an adult, such as extreme sadness and anger.

In situations other than death, people experience similar emotions to those described above. This can happen if they lose something that holds a great deal of emotional value for them, perhaps by splitting up with a good friend or a girlfriend or boyfriend after an argument.

Sometimes people experience major events in their lives with different feelings and emotions. For example, one child may be positive and excited, but another may view this with fear and experience grief for the friends, family and familiar environment left behind.

• It is often difficult for children to talk to others about their feelings. For example, a child may feel confused or concerned about upsetting a surviving parent, or that the surviving parent would be too sad to listen.

• Childline Gauteng takes children and young people's problems seriously, giving them a chance to talk in confidence about their concerns, however large or small. Childline Gauteng counsellors can also tell them where to go for more information, including local sources of help and advice. This service is free and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.